Welcome to my World

Where else can you get a really good look at a train wreck of emotional dysfunction
and not be right in the middle of the thing?

Sunday, March 16, 2014

One Foot In Front of the Other

My failure at sobriety necessarily makes me an emotional basket case due to alcohol withdrawal, which in turn makes me want to use just to avoid having to deal with it.  I last drink two days ago on Friday evening.  I've let my desk at work get out of hand, which causes me further stress.

It's impossible to make up for wasted time and wasted opportunity.  To me, my life is one failure after another, which explains why I have no faith in turning things around.  However, all I can do is do what I can do right now.  Today that means coming into the office to organize my work.  Tomorrow it means sticking to my diet and budget.  Hopefully I'll have the strength to keep a calm face while the storm rages inside my head and to move one step at a time through the days of this week.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Failed Again

Well, I failed once again and drank last night.  I felt so run down yesterday that I couldn't resist the temptation to steal a few hours of contentment.  Psychologically, I'm like a sprinter: able to manage short bursts of self-improvement and positive change but useless for the long haul.  How do I become a marathoner able to keep focused on my distant goal?

About three beers in I started to feel nauseated, and I'd had a mild headache all day.  My symptoms became so bad that I stopped my drinking and smoking.  I'm guessing a touch of cold or flu is what was making me so run down and feeling so bad.  (My mood doesn't handle being ill well at all.)  Regardless of this understanding and regardless of physical illness, I'll probably end up drinking again tonight since I have beer and cigarettes at home.  I wish I had a fraction of self-discipline and self-control that everyone else seems able to exert over their own behavior.  Am I doomed to dream large and yet fail at every turn?

Ever tried.  Ever failed.  No matter.  Try again.  Fail Again. 
Fail better.
{Samuel Beckett}

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Snow Day

Yesterday the streets of Memphis were covered in ice due to cold temperatures and winter precipitation.  As such, I had a nice "snow day" home from work for the first time in at least a couple of decades.  (Ten years in Los Angeles = no snow days!)  My first inclination was to play video games all day.  However, instead I cleaned my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and the downstairs bathroom and even put a dent in the boxes upon boxes of clutter that weigh me down like an albatross around my neck.  It was exhausting, and I had a period of intense desire to drink and smoke and play the aforementioned video game.  But I resisted, and I think my sobriety and self-improvement will be the better for a tidier environment.

Personal Roundup

I've still been feeling vaguely anxious for no particular reason on a consistent basis, and I'm hoping it's just the residual effects of alcohol withdrawal.  On the plus side, I've managed to get myself to the gym the past several days.

Days sober: 12
Weight: 257 pounds
Debt: A shitload and then some