Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Monday, November 18, 2013

Adiós, Carro...

The strain of familial and workplace stress finally got to me and caused me to break my sobriety last Friday night, though I suppose I should say that I chose to break my sobriety as a way of taking personal responsibility.  Regardless, there goes four months of sobriety down the U-bend.  I finally just said "fuck it" and drank and smoked and played my video games.  I spent all day Saturday in bed (with a wicked hangover) being too depressed to get up until 6 p.m.  I didn't stay up very long before going back to bed.  Sunday I managed to drag myself out of bed sometime around noon and then ran around doing a lot of dreary chores.
The real problem is that my relapse has returned my thirst, which continued sobriety had kept at bay, and now I want to take refuge from my feelings and worries by running to the shelter of mother's beer and hard cider.  For example, today I can find little enthusiasm for being any kind of responsible adult and can hear the voice of temptation whispering in my ear...

Less Than Zero (Assuming 0 = 250)

On a more positive note, I have gotten my weight back down below 250 pounds.  I bit the bullet and weighed myself the other day.  My previous histrionics aside, my dragging myself out of bed at 6 a.m. hasn't been totally in vain.  I've added some strength training, which I hate, but the best way to get into shape is to do both cardio and weights.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Don't Ask Me Why

I had a total breakdown in my mood this afternoon.  I was actually crying on the drive home from work.  I had all but given up on my sobriety and then, inevitably, was shadowed by darker impulses that haunt me still.
When I used to share these moods with others, they invariably asked "Why?" and "What's wrong?"  But those questions rarely have any meaning for me.  That's the problem.  I have to constantly distract myself in order to see life as anything but unmitigated suffering—for myself and every other living thing, and my mood is constantly in danger of drowning in a sea of emotion.  It's no wonder I have the personality of an impulsive, insatiable addict.  I must constantly infuse my psyche with hits of pleasure to keep from disintegrating into worry and despair.  I run around in a constant, desperate flurry of effort to pique my interest and find enjoyment in something, anything.  Besides, it's not as if you have to look very far for things to make you unhappy, with all the indignities of life and the ceaseless burden of conscious existence.
Personal Roundup
I am frustrated by my attempts at weight loss.  I've been doing all the right things as far as my exercise program, but I wonder if I undo it all at the 11th hour with my evening binge eating.  I'm not sure if I've lost weight; I'm too scared to weigh myself.  If the scales tell me I'm just the same after almost three weeks of intensive effort, I'm pretty sure I'd give up completely.  When I look in the mirror, all I see is literally a disgusting sack of fat.  It hasn't given me hope that my hard work is being rewarded by positive change.

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Mr. Roboto

"I just work here.  This is just a job."
This is the second week of implementing my new policy of keeping my private life out of work.  The more I think about it, the more convinced I am of my error in using my job as a social outlet.  So I've been strictly "all business" while going about my day.  I'm not a dickhole about it or anything.  I'm still polite and friendly and say pleasantries like, "Good morning."  But I don't initiate personal conversation, and I self-disclose very little or not at all.  I'm not even sure anyone's noticed, which is just fine by me.  {Redacted}, and I have made brief small talk when initiated by someone else so as not to be rude.  But I mostly keep my eyes open and my mouth shut.

Personal Roundup

I've been doing fantastic with my exercise regime and pretty good with everything else.  My eating has been flawless during the day, but then I freak out and eat everything I can fit in my mouth at night.  The time change and early dark is really hard on me.  I've been feeling low when I get home, so I eat to fill my time and the hole in my heart.  I've also spent money I shouldn't have on non-necessities, but I've managed to keep a closer eye on my finances.  I've planned out a budget to carry me through the end of the year and January of next, factoring in all the expenses for the upcoming holidays.