Welcome to my World

Where else can you get a really good look at a train wreck of emotional dysfunction
and not be right in the middle of the thing?


Wednesday, January 23, 2013

No One Ever Knows or Loves Another

I feel like no one really "gets" me.  One could easily argue that no one really gets anyone else.  And fuck me, but I haven't had a circle of friend that I relate to in over a decade and a half.  Don't get me wrong...I have some wonderful people in my life, but I feel estranged even from those old friends with whom I've shared so much.  I feel alienated and disconnected.  A large part of this is an "all or nothing" mentality of whatever personality disorder most aptly describes me, but I feel myself pulling away from those few still left in my life all the same.
 
Tired Old Hack
 
I've decided to shut down my other blog and leave this one on a "need to whine" basis only.  No matter what I do, people don't want what I'm offering.  I'm almost to the point of giving up on my dream of writing altogether.  But that would inevitably lead to thoughts of self-destruction, as I can conceive of no other purpose to my existence.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Dreams of Avarice

While walking at lunch last week, I lost myself with luxurious abandon in the most pedestrian of fantasies:  winning the lottery.  I buy lottery tickets twice a week almost every week.  Though my employment situation is far less dire than it used to be, the infinitesimal hope of these tickets is often still all that gets me to put one foot in front of another.  (I used to play numbers of personal significance and saturated with meaning, but now I just get randomly generated tickets as I have made peace with the fact that life is a random event at the mercy of an endless stream of random events.)  In my defense, I take this fantasy to a very bright place.  I don't imagine how I would crush all of my enemies; I imagine all of the people I could help.  Paternalisticly, with a Jovian air, but helping nonetheless.
 
But my lofty optimism came crashing down as cruel reality drowned me once again, and I knew in my heart of hearts that this dream, like all of my dreams before, would never come true.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Living in Quiet Despair

I have been desperately struggling with my mood for I don't know how long.  I was jazzed with the idea of making some positive changes in my life at the new year, but my depression has made short work of it.  My energy level is so depleted it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and go to work.  (I spent the entirety of the last two weekends in bed.)  I've also gone back to my bad habits.  But the reason I blow my sobriety by drinking, or blow my diet by eating crap, or blow my budget by spending money on stuff I can't afford, is that I'm frantic for anything that will give me any amount of pleasure.  My unhappiness devours all of my best intentions in exchange for brief glimmers of pleasure.
 
My only saving grace is that I live in quiet despair.  I don't really drag anyone else (anymore) into my struggles to keep my head above water.  I just silently let the crush of time slide me further into obsolescence and oblivion, pouring all of my angst into a blog no one—not even my closest family or friends—actually reads.

Dark Thoughts

But a lack of pleasure isn't the bottom floor of my seasonally-affected disordered mind.  I teeter on the terrifying ledge of plummeting into the canyon of a panic attack and occasionally grapple with more sinister, borderline schizo intrusions such as a vision of a solipsistic apocalypse.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Derailed

Well, I kinda fucked up my best beginning-of-the-year intentions.  I drank Saturday night, and that derailed all of my other efforts.  I've been feeling kind of low, and part of me believes the drinking/smoking/video game scenario is the only pleasure I'm capable of experiencing.  I think part of the problem even before Saturday was that I was already letting my diet, exercise and budget slide.  It's in my nature to have to be disciplined in every aspect of my life, or none at all.
 
"Surviving, Not Thriving"
 
That's how I describe how I live most of my life.  I can hold down a job and live independently, without even much outward appearance of unhappiness, but I'm just doing what has to be done.  I'm not really putting anything extra into life or getting anything particularly positive out of it.  I still have plans.  God help me, at 43 years old, I still have plans.  But my past gives me no justification for being sanguine about the future.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

My 15 Minutes

Well, I may have peaked in fame. My blog is the number 1 and number 3 returns if you plug "adventures in anhedonia" into Google, and for some inexplicable reason I had a record 52 page views on Dec. 28th.

Unfortunately, I don't show up at all if you use any other search engine. (Google owns "Blogger.com")  Neither my new blog nor "Michael St. John" (as myself) shows up anywhere either, no matter what search site you use.

Just think, all my friends will be able to say "I knew him when..." As in, "I knew him when he wasn't so desperately clutching at straws."

Page Count Update

My page hits for this blog are still aspiring to double digits, but my newest blog "What Not To Do" has been doing amazingly well, at least for me.  I've had over a thousand page views since yesterday.  In a previous post , I theorized that self-absorbtive nature of "Adventures in Anhedonia" isn't the only reason I'm struggling for readership.  This blog is all over the map and inconsistent in tone, content and updates.  In my new one I'm focusing more on entertainment with a more unified theme and regular biweekly updates.  Please check it out.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Staying the Course

I have been having the worst time concentrating and remaining focused!  It's really been a problem the past couple of days.  I have no way of knowing if it's a short-term problem, such as my body and psyche adjusting to the positive changes.  Or if it's something more long-term, such as seasonal depression or a depressive episode on top of my dysthymia.

So far so good as far as keeping my nose clean.  I'm not going to drink tonight, and I have some measure of confidence that I won't be drinking tomorrow night.  My diet, exercise and budget have kinda taken a nosedive, but I'm hopeful of getting them back on track.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Thirsty

I let myself get too tired again, and I wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink ... wanna drink!
 
But I'm not.  Tonight.  Tommorrow will be the real test.  Or maybe even more so Saturday...

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It's A New Year, Bitches!

Time to take back control.  I've never liked clich├ęs, but I've decided that I simply won't accept any more excuses or any more delays.  Granted it's only day two of the Great Turnaround, but I've sabotaged other attempts in a lot less than 48 hours.  It's the drinking that's going to be the thing, I think.  I had convinced myself that spending a night drinking and smoking with a nice computer game was the only pleasurable thing in my life.  I'm not exactly convinced otherwise, but I did get a good week and a half of vacation to dry out.  So that's gotta count for something.

Of course, every positive step demands a command performance of my "Anxieties on Parade."  Everything from deep-rooted paranoia to fears that I'm going to set my house on fire because I left my bathroom light on crowds the stage of my mind, singing and dancing a chorus of self-defeat.

Personal Roundup

Days Sober: 12
Weight: 262 pounds
Debt: $8,872