Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Failed Again

Well, I failed once again and drank last night.  I felt so run down yesterday that I couldn't resist the temptation to steal a few hours of contentment.  Psychologically, I'm like a sprinter: able to manage short bursts of self-improvement and positive change but useless for the long haul.  How do I become a marathoner able to keep focused on my distant goal?

About three beers in I started to feel nauseated, and I'd had a mild headache all day.  My symptoms became so bad that I stopped my drinking and smoking.  I'm guessing a touch of cold or flu is what was making me so run down and feeling so bad.  (My mood doesn't handle being ill well at all.)  Regardless of this understanding and regardless of physical illness, I'll probably end up drinking again tonight since I have beer and cigarettes at home.  I wish I had a fraction of self-discipline and self-control that everyone else seems able to exert over their own behavior.  Am I doomed to dream large and yet fail at every turn?

Ever tried.  Ever failed.  No matter.  Try again.  Fail Again. 
Fail better.
{Samuel Beckett}