Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Monday, September 24, 2012

Hell of a Two Weeks

Two weeks ago (Monday, September 10th) I started a new paralegal job at a new law firm.  I would love to comment on my work as a paralegal and definitely have some interesting stories, particularly about my last position, but I just believe that it would be too impolitic to do so.  (As they say, "Don't shit where you eat.")  I can't afford to jeopardize my professional life over loose-lipped blog entries on the off chance the twain should somehow meet.

Anyway, starting a new job is disquieting by itself, especially when there was absolutely no one to train me.  I've moved to a small office that only had one paralegal, but she had already moved on to her new job by the time I got in here after working my two-week notice at my last job.  So as if a change in position wasn't stressful enough, during those two weeks I also had:
  • A broken crown replaced
  • A second crown break off
  • Two doctors tell me I had a lump in my breast, which had to be cleared up with a mammogram and turned out to be literally nothing (Men can get lumps in their breasts and need mammograms, too)
  • A moderate-impact car accident (No one seriously hurt)
Suffice it to say that I am thoroughly over it!  I can't imagine what my new boss thinks of me (drama queen, no doubt), but I've tried to remain as professional and productive as possible while all of this has been going on.  I basically spent the entirety of this past weekend in bed; I just couldn't be bothered with consciousness.  I may take a(nother) short hiatus from this blog so that I can just catch up with my life.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


and god said unto moses
on the fucking mountain:
kill the homosexual
for He is evil
i made Him
to hate Him
punish Him
for the way He was born
nature has shown Him no mercy
and neither shall you
for  mercy unto Him
is unjust in the eyes of god


First of all, I've never been a fan of untitled works because "Untitled" becomes the de facto, as above.  But I have no real title for this.  I'm not sure this has much artistic merit has, though it is obviously raw pathos and anger.  I wrote this as an impromptu stream of consciousness at the end of a very drunken, very fucked up evening my freshman year in college.  Add one part unresolved emotion, one part coming to terms with my sexuality with a dash of being closeted and then add alcohol.  Stand back and watch the fireworks.  That night was one of the most messed up nights in my life, and I could write volumes about what was going on in my head and all the things I did that evening.  Suffice it to say that I went around to just about every person I knew (making a complete ass out of myself), trying to find someone to save me.  I also lashed out at someone more viciously than I ever had before or since simply because she was a person and not a two-dimensional prop in my sturm und drang of selfish emotional need.