Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Friday, November 24, 2023


    I've been in a weird headspace. Hopeful. Emotional. Agitated. Angry over everything and nothing. I've been motivated to stick with small efforts at self-improvement and have been vaguely optimistic about the future, starting to set some longer-term goals for the first time in forever. I've even been generally not unhappy. And yet I'm struggling with a profound malaise and finding pleasure in anything. I've just been constantly running fantasies of indulging my baser passions obsessively through my head. Of course, I've pretty much given up everything that gave me pleasure in the name of health & wellness. I gave up drugs & alcohol. I gave up vaping. And I've recently given up binging on bad-for-me food. I'm on third month of Wegovy, so I'm making the effort not to sabotage that. Unfortunately, the semaglutide may be messing with my mood, as that's a possible side effect. Besides the fact that I simply desperately need to lose weight – for my self-esteem and physical health – I'm calculating (hoping) that a drastic reduction in my abdominal fat will result in a dramatic improvement in my mental health, the theory being that getting rid of all the chemicals the fat pumps out constantly will unstress my system.

    There has been a lot of change and upheaval at work, which is distressing to someone like me who abhors uncertainty. Though I'm not the only one unnerved and wondering when and how everything will finally settle into place. My boss moved to a different part of the company, and I didn't find out until a week before it happened. We worked well together, and with her long experience, she knew the answer to everything. So I'm keenly feeling the knowledge deficit and constantly feeling as if I'm navigating the complexities of my position without guidance and making it all up as I go along.

    I've also taken a long-term pause with my counseling. My therapist also moved to a different practice, one that is difficult for me to get to on a weekly basis. I like my counselor, but my therapy didn't really seem to be going anywhere. I would mostly just tell her what I'm actually feeling and what is really going on in my life, something I no longer share with friends and family. It allowed me to feel "seen" and to have my emotions validated, which was something I didn't get growing up. But I wasn't really moving forward in any way or learning how to handle my emotions and better ways to cope. This blog is one of the aforementioned longer-term goals, but I was additionally motivated to pick it up again to fill that outlet I was getting in therapy.