Welcome to my World

Where else can you get a really good look at a train wreck of emotional dysfunction
and not be right in the middle of the thing?

Monday, October 28, 2013

Just Won't Die

The whole situation has stressed me out to know end.  I'm feeling some distance with my family, and I don't really feel there's anyone I can call to commiserate with.  I spent the entire weekend busting my hump trying to clean up my apartment to make my environment more conducive to positive change on top of continuing to hit the gym Saturday, Sunday and today before work.  I gave serious thought about breaking my sobriety today.  I thought about doing worse.  But it would just be "I'll show you!" acting out, and I'm better than that.  As it is, I'm going to take my meds and just go to bed.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

All In the Family

There's nothing like family to make one's barely-contained neuroses spill over the sides.  I'm amazed at how such a short interaction can awaken so many dormant unresolved feelings.  It's no wonder to me that I'm grinding my teeth down to stubs in my sleep.  Basically, I'm annoyed with every single person I'm related to, but that's what unconditional love gets you.  I love my family, and I'm incredibly blessed to have them in my life.  But the fissures in our relationships run deep, and it's not always easy to keep the proper perspective.
Shake That Booty
I've managed to get myself to the gym five times out of the last six days, which is like working out twice a day for a year for a normal person.  Considering how poorly I treat my body, I have surprisingly unrealistic expectations of my workouts.  If I stick to my diet and exercise for a couple of days, I expect to see Hugh Jackman staring out at me from the mirror and am continually shocked to see Jabba the Hutt instead.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Blabby McOvershare

Looking to Myself
One of the most valuable things I learned in therapy was that I have no control over people's opinions or reactions.  The only thing I can control is my behavior.  Because I'm socially isolated and just plain lonely, I think I have made the mistake of trying to fulfill my need for social connection at my place of employment.  With someone like me, that is asking for trouble.  I'm going to try very hard to switch off my personality at work and adopt an entirely neutral persona.  Always polite, always friendly, always helpful, but never revealing anything but superficial charm.  In my private world, I am focused on moving my life in a more positive direction, and I should keep chanting my professionalism for poets mantra in my head:  "I just work here.  This is just a job."

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The State of Things

All in all, I'm doing well as well as doing (or not doing) all the right things.  I just wish my mood weren't so consistently in the toilet, but such is my lot in life.
Hell Is Other People
I find that most of my problems are caused by other people.  I am unable to talk to my family in any meaningful way about my life, and I really don't have many close friends.  Besides, a lifetime of intense, unfulfilled desire has turned my emotional need into a hole with no bottom.  Just ask the friends I've "worn out" over the years.  So I pretty much try to keep things to myself.
The problem with that strategy is that my need to connect and to talk out my feelings overwhelms my conversations during the normal course of my day, particularly at work.  This invariably leads to regret and the wish that I'd just kept my mouth shut.  So I think maybe I'll process things on this blog and return to holding my tongue in my interpersonal interactions, hence my return to the blogosphere.
Today's Drama

Personal Roundup

I'm doing really well compared to last time, except for my spiraling debt, obviously.  When I'm drinking, I rack up expenses indulging my vices, but when I'm sober, I rack up expenses indulging my nickel-and-dime whims to keep my sobriety intact.  Now that sobriety has become somewhat habitual, I'm trying very hard to tackle my debt.

Days Sober: 105 {+97}
Weight: 252 pounds {-10}

Debt: $13,957 {+5,085}