Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

All the Rage

he knows that something somewhere has to break...
{The Police, "Synchronicity II"}

I was just trying to help my mother with her new computer.  But between the piece of shit that is Windows 8 (how many fucking updates for how fucking long does it take?!?) and my father once again telling me my feelings were wrong*, I was boiling over with rage.  I'm four weeks sober now, and I've been grasping at the hope that soon soon SOON! I would finally have a rosier outlook on things.  That hope was the animation in my dead flesh that kept me putting one foot in front of the other.  But I'm just SO ANGRY all of the time and at the slightest provocation that I have to wonder if I'm headed for yet another nervous breakdown and truly fearful of what form it will take as it finally spills over and manifests.
(*I am in my 40's, and my parents are in their 70's.  And I have no excuse as why I still expect or seek their validation.)

Tuesday, September 2, 2014


What's in your head?
In your head?
Zombie, zombie, zombie

{The Cranberries, "Zombie"}

I'm just so depressed that I can barely shuffle myself forward, navigating the responsibilities of my day through sheer force of will.  (No joy...only obligations, only the expectations of others.)  After a long weekend of lonely depression...two relatively productive days in spite of it all until I abandoned all pretense of giving a shit yesterday.
How does anyone see life (animus pinned within decaying flesh) as anything but a curse?