Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Wednesday, October 13, 2021

My Day Today

  1. Once again tried to help my mother with her shit. Once again have her move the goalposts on what she wants/needs. Once again have her mistake and misunderstand pretty much everything I tried to say to her. Ended the conversation with her crying inconsolably and ruining her day, once again.
  2. Tried to see a new psychiatrist after my previous one suddenly shutters her practice indefinitely. New place – recommended by my primary care provider – is unprofessional and sketchy AF to me in a lot of their practices before they've even treated me. They also drag my ass across town to miss an hour and a half of work to just have me piss in a cup and have some woman take a five minute history in pen in a spiral notebook. I won't actually get to see a "doctor" (nobody in the entire practice is an MD) for two weeks to actually talk to someone about my actual fucking medications. So no help and a waste of my time for the opportunity to waste more time missing work to have someone possibly actually provide me a useful service.
  3. In spite of exercising every day and working hard to moderate my eating, my weight just keeps going up. Got to add another four pounds to the tally this afternoon.
  4. Went to a Meetup walk at a local park after work instead of getting shitfaced, which was my strong inclination after #1, #2 and #3. Before the walk, someone posted in the group chat about going to dinner after, and I reply that I'd like to. After the walk, no one else seems interested in grabbing dinner, and the guy says to me, "Well, if it's just going to be the two of us, I'm gonna just go home."
After weeks and weeks and weeks of not being able to enjoy anything (vid. blog title), it's getting harder and harder not to just give in and go back to drinking: use alcohol and vaping to smooth into and actually enjoy playing a video game, have a few hours of actual pleasure. When everything – like even brushing your teeth – takes such a monumental effort of will and just keeping your life the bare minimum above water seems monumental, it's so hard not to wonder why I bother with anything at all. I'm just a bitter, angry, perpetually unhappy, broken, empty man hurtling through his 50s whose only positive impression of life is that it isn't permanent.