Another manure-inspiring day at work yesterday. My boss misinterpreted my intent behind an e-mail I sent to her, when all I was trying to convey was good-natured, amused annoyance with a vendor who has been worrying me to death over nothing the past four days. But she read it as an over-the-top complaint about my job while she is traveling several eastern states for work and sent back a scathing reply. Although I have been nothing but polite and helpful to said vendor, she also undeservedly attacked my professionalism and communication skills. Being a powerless serf, I cannot push back or even press my case that it was a misunderstanding. Even if she was put off by my e-mail, you'd think she could show a little discretion to someone who just got out of a mental hospital two weeks ago. But then what's the point of having minions if you can't use them as a whipping post when you're hungry, tired and mentally exhausted?
I managed not to use it as an excuse to break my sobriety or otherwise harm myself, even though I'm dreading further fallout when she returns late next week, since there's nothing for me to do but hope and worry. I ended up hitting the gym after work and then attending my Friday night AA meeting. The people there were very kind and supportive.
Malice and the Will to Dominate
Now I will tell you the answer to my question. It is this. The Party seeks power entirely for its own sake. We are not interested in the good of others; we are interested solely in power. Not wealth or luxury or long life or happiness: only power, pure power.
{George Orwell, 1984}
I read recently that Jimmy Carter opined that America isn't a democracy, and his premise—as I understand it—is that we're essentially an oligarchy. I don't find this particularly shocking or revelatory because all power dynamics condense into oligarchy, as compelled by human nature. People will remain powerless because that is the only meaningful expression others have of power: domination and the subjugation of the wills of others. Whether this is done by intimidation, guile, bribery or extortion doesn't matter. Egalitarianism is an impossible ideal, so the best one can hope for is the least of evils.
Stewing in Stress
In spite of a nature hike this morning (courtesy of meetup.com) and a visit to the gym afterward, I have been in a state of anxiety over this whole work thing and other stresses related to my job. My depressive mood led to a flashpoint of rage, as evidenced by my former, piece-of-shit-HP printer seen below, which bore the brunt of it. I couldn't get a decent picture of the cuts on my hand where I smashed the glass.
