I have been trying to effect change in my life over the past year or so, particularly in the realm of going out and meeting people, with mixed results. I'm looking for both friends and lovers but seem to only attract the romantic attention of drunk assholes. Keep in mind that Memphis literally only has two gay watering holes and almost no queer social groups, so hanging out at a bar is kinda my only option.
I actually went on a few dates with one guy – the first I've had in almost 20 fucking years – and he was actually rather sweet, though still an alcoholic hot mess. Then after one night when we had some crossed signals about meeting up, he ghosted me, and I even wondered if something had happened to him. Then there was the good looking guy that I went home with one night. He was heavy in both the drunk and a-hole camps, but he was cute! So of course I was all for it. He actually indicated an interest in seeing me again, both that night/morning and in texts in the days after. But again I got ghosted. Then there were many bar near misses, like the guy who was chatting with me, said "I'm going to the bathroom. Be right back." and buggered off out of the establishment. (Hard not to take that personally.) There was also the complete drunken train wreck whose nonsense I fell for not just once, but twice. (Again, cute!) Both times he came on so strong, calling me his "future boyfriend" and generally laying it on thick while making an ass out of himself. And both times he abruptly ran off, leaving me alone.
On a more positive note, I've been doing weekly trivia at the bar I've been haunting, and I've met a really good group of guys – including someone I knew in high school – that coalesced into a team, which led to hangouts outside of a bar setting. So it's been really great having people to do things with. I haven't really had that in decades either.
Anger Is an Energy
Tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me
{Tears for Fears, "Mad World"}
Look right through me
Look right through me
{Tears for Fears, "Mad World"}
Not too long ago, I actually ran into the guy I had the dates with and the functional one-night stand around the same time. And both of them ignored me completely as if I were a walking mistake and not a person. It made me ... indignant. I don't expect anyone to spend time with me if they've decided they aren't interested. But to refuse to even meet my eye when I never wronged them was dehumanizing.
I've channeled the anger of those moments into a renaissance of self-improvement. I'd been languishing in that department for a long time, ever since a procedure I had done last summer meant I had to pause exercising. For the past several weeks, I've thrown myself into a resurgence of eating better, going to the gym, finally upgrading my condo and generally getting my shit in one sock. I've been remarkably consistent in my efforts – persistence not necessarily being one of my biggest strengths. It's been exhilarating, exhausting, gratifying, disheartening, illuminating and overwhelming.
