Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Friday, February 28, 2014

Lost In All of Our Vices

I've been on a roller coaster of relapse and recovery since I fell off the wagon last November after four months of sobriety.  Giving into the temptation of pleasure has farther reaching ramifications.  Like most people, I don't have the luxury of going into an inpatient detox facility or even just taking time off of work to dry out.  (Besides, I used up all of my chances years ago.)  Anyway, alcohol withdrawal causes anxiety and makes me emotional, overly tired and uninterested in anything.  As such, it seems easier just to drink again, but then the whole process repeats itself.
I've got a week of sobriety under my belt, but—damn the cliché—I just have to take it one day at a time.  I've spent a few hundred dollars pampering myself (mostly with eating out) this past week, but now I need to buckle down and return to my budget and my diet.  I've returned to the gym, and I'll just have to see how it goes.  I'm so tired of chemicals causing up and downs in my mood, though I'm not quite ready to let caffeine go; however, it's next on my list in a week or two.

How Am I Going To Be an Optimist About This?

My new favorite song is "Pompeii" by Bastille.  I honestly don't know what the singer is trying to say exactly, but the lyrics remind me of a sort of "feeling out of time" thought I described in a previous post.  You can see the official YouTube video below.

May the Road Rise with You

Anger may be an energy, but I feel as if I am constantly consumed by rage over everything in my life, real and imagined.  It seems only a matter of time before I have a road rage incident or a meltdown at work.  I've swallowed too much negativity in my life without dealing with it properly, and it's left its mark on my psyche.  Last night I grew enraged over the actions of a character in an audiobook, and I got so angry at being unavoidably late for my A.A. group's potluck that I almost decided to cast off my sobriety.  One benefit that I'm hoping for from an even keel of diet, exercise and sobriety is a better handle on my mood in general and anger in specific.

Luke Skywalker:  How am I to know the good side from the bad?

Master Yoda:  You will know when you are calm, at peace.  Passive.  A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
{The Empire Strikes Back}