Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
{Albert Einstein}
I have a master plan for my life. I've always had one for these pipe dreams that I've nurtured and kept alive for over 30 years of bitterness and disappointment (as not a single one has come true). As battered as my hopes are, if I give them up, what reason do I have to soldier on? I feel as if I'm moving in the right direction because, for the first time in forever, I've been able to sustain month after month where I'm not undermining or sabotaging my own progress in some way.
But I'm so damn tired of dealing with my mood. I so often feel I'm at the breaking point, the same breaking point that has derailed me again and again in a pattern of failure over a lifetime. I'm still amazed at how many emotional crises I've weathered without trashing my sobriety, but my mood problems predate my addiction problems. They caused my addiction problems. I honestly can't offer any rational basis for a belief that, if I only stay the course a little longer, I will one day wake up to a mythical promised land where my perspective is sanguine and my life is in control.
But I'm so damn tired of dealing with my mood. I so often feel I'm at the breaking point, the same breaking point that has derailed me again and again in a pattern of failure over a lifetime. I'm still amazed at how many emotional crises I've weathered without trashing my sobriety, but my mood problems predate my addiction problems. They caused my addiction problems. I honestly can't offer any rational basis for a belief that, if I only stay the course a little longer, I will one day wake up to a mythical promised land where my perspective is sanguine and my life is in control.
