Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Monday, January 25, 2010

I Need a Fix, But a Fix of What?

I feel like a new person. In the short time I've been taking Abilify, it's been like going from night until day. I've been more positive and more motivated since I don't know when. In the past week I've done more writing than I've done in the past six to nine months.
I didn't realize how empty I had become until I was filled.
{King Arthur, Excalibur}
In spite of this positive turn of events, I've been having kind of a weird problem (though if one were describe me in only two words, "weird problem" would probably be good ones.) I have this pervasive sensation as if I'm "jonesing," that is, the nervous, twitchy feeling we addicts get when our "high" has worn off.

There could be a lot of reasons for this other than a reaction to my medication. I have one theory that my body is confused by the fact that I'm not actively feeling unhappy. I'm addicted to narcotics because they take away all my negative feelings and "fill up" the emptiness inside of me. When I'm high, I don't lie on the couch and watch the Home Shopping Network. I clean my apartment, do my laundry, etc. because I don't have to expend all of my energy simply keeping my mood afloat. Narcotics motivate me, and I'm wondering if the motivating, antidepressant effects of my medication is confusing my body into thinking its high. While Abilify removes the pain element, it doesn't actually stimulate the pleasure zones in my brain. Does my some part of my brain think that I'm abusing narcotics and wondering where the "high" is?

I'm not sure how scientific that theory actually is. I could also be working myself into a state over a shot-in-the-dark, pie-in-the-sky dream upon which I've been pinning a lot of my hopes for the future. (Something I'm feeling so guarded about that I don't want to reveal it in an anonymous blog.) It's involved a lot of creative writing and design work that has consumed me.

Personal Roundup

So far I've lost ten pounds by eating more moderately and not drinking. So now I'm only forty pounds overweight, instead of fifty! I've seem to have lost about an inch off of my waist, so that's a move in the right direction.

Days sober: 17
Weight: 230 pounds
Waist: 46.5 inches