Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Friday, November 16, 2012

One Foot In Front of the Other

I don’t know why my mood has been so low lately. I have had a run of bad luck, but in the scheme of things none of it has been too dreadful (although I do miss my little buddy an awful lot). My depression has manifest primarily in two symptoms: a lack of pleasure and a lack of concentration.
 I do work full-time, but my dearth of attachments means that I have enough disposable income and enough free time to pursue any activity or pastime. But nothing—not even mindless entertainment—interests me.  Mostly I’ve been playing one video game after another, but there are no older games or games on the horizon that spark my imagination.  (The game I was looking forward to turned out to be kind of a bust, by the way.) Plus I’ve gotten back in the habit of drinking and smoking while playing my games, which defeats the whole point of seeking healthier alternative activities.
The even more troubling symptom, however, has been a complete inability to concentrate. I always do good work in my employment, and my current position is a really good one. But trying to remain focused and “buckle down” seems to be a monumental effort. I’m hoping I can get a hold of myself before it impacts or (God forbid) ends my professional life.

The Audience That Isn’t

I’ve trying to objectively analyze the lack of appeal of this blog, outside of a few (and dwindling) die-hard friends. The Blogspot tools tell me that I get a trickle of web traffic, but I’m pretty sure no repeat visits. The primary reason has to be the “Me! Me! Me!” subject matter. I may find myself fascinating to the point of self-absorption, but that doesn’t mean anyone else will. The overall dreariness and retread of the same complaints can’t be packing them in either. My friends will tell you that my whinging repertoire isn’t very broad. I don’t really have any really close friends anymore, so I mostly confine my whinging to this blog. And that’s probably a good thing, if not exactly a public draw. Finally I’ve decided that this blog will simply never know what it is. The wildly fluctuating tone and range of subject matter probably gives the impression that I’m a raging maniac. I am moody, and my moods can be intense. But they don’t bounce around as erratically as my posts would seem to indicate. To truly find an audience, I would need to be more focused and of broader interest. Writing whatever is in my head at whatever time I happen to feel like writing, even if presented in a readable style, hasn’t turned out to be a recipe for success.