Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Monday, November 5, 2012

Fear...Nothing But Fear

As I've mentioned repeatedly, one impediment to self-improvement has always been that I honestly believe some calamity will befall me if things start going well or if I move my life in the direction I want it to be.  I don't know how this fallacy took such a deep hold on my psyche, but then I don't know where most of my pathologies come from given my idealized childhood.
I drank both Friday and Saturday night this past weekend, but on Saturday my mother came over and helped me set up my bedroom properly.  Even thought I've been in my apartment for about six months, I've been sleeping on the floor on a two inch mattress from my sofa bed.  Last week I finally got a proper bed.  So my mother helped me hang pictures, set up lamps and furniture, etc.  She also bought me some new shirts as an early birthday present because she couldn't stand the way my unfortunate gut stretched the buttons on my old, pre-fattie shirts.
I kept the momentum going on Sunday by continuing to work on my apartment and getting my clothes washed, ironed and ready for the work week.  This morning I got up on time (as opposed to the last possible second to get up and get to work at the last possible second).  I got my healthy food together for today, including my power shake*.  I'm planning to go to the gym tonight, but as changeable as my nature is, we'll just have to see.
All of this momentum (minus the recent drinking) is wonderful, but it makes me incredibly anxious.  So much so that I usually give up very quickly, and the early dark of winter certainly doesn't help my mood.  However, I'm trying to keep in mind that I'm certainly not getting any younger (43 in December) but that I haven't completely given up on my dreams.  To use an old cliché:  Time will tell...
*My "Power Shake"
I truly believe good nutrition will go a long way in helping me with my psychological problems, and it certainly can't hurt.  I'm trying to generally eat better and with a diet that respects my pre-diabetic condition, which I've largely ignored in the three and a half months since my doctor warned me of the impending danger.  Anyway, I'm trying to get it together to make and consume a "power shake" every morning.  Basically I blend together the following:
  • Six ounces of plain Greek yogurt
  • Half a cup of skim milk
  • Two tablespoons of Stevia sweetener
  • Two tablespoons of flax seed
  • One scoop of Alive! Ultra-Shake  (This products packs in an amazing amount of nutrition and is chock full of healthy supplements.)
  • Frozen berries (no sugar added) to taste and for that "smoothie" consistency
It actually tastes all right, though it might not be everybody's cup of tea.  I'm hoping it will assist me on the path to a better, less-anxious tomorrow.