Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Tuesday, January 8, 2013


Well, I kinda fucked up my best beginning-of-the-year intentions.  I drank Saturday night, and that derailed all of my other efforts.  I've been feeling kind of low, and part of me believes the drinking/smoking/video game scenario is the only pleasure I'm capable of experiencing.  I think part of the problem even before Saturday was that I was already letting my diet, exercise and budget slide.  It's in my nature to have to be disciplined in every aspect of my life, or none at all.
"Surviving, Not Thriving"
That's how I describe how I live most of my life.  I can hold down a job and live independently, without even much outward appearance of unhappiness, but I'm just doing what has to be done.  I'm not really putting anything extra into life or getting anything particularly positive out of it.  I still have plans.  God help me, at 43 years old, I still have plans.  But my past gives me no justification for being sanguine about the future.