Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Riding the Tiger

Then in your 40's, you're like, "You know what?  This is the only thing I like about being alive."
{Jim Gaffigan on drinking}
I'm still feeling like crap—no energy, no enthusiasm, lack of concentration, lack of motivation—and so I've invested fully in blaming post-acute-withdrawal syndrome.  As I mentioned in that previous entry, I've gone back to the beginning of the Mass Effect video game trilogy in an effort to pique my interest in something, anythingVideo games have previously helped pull me out of depression; however, it's risky turning to them because they have become an integral part of my drinking behavior.  Since I did play most of the first and second game of that series while drunk, I'm trying to be enthusiastic about actually experiencing them with a clear head.  Plus, I don't want my alcoholism to completely ruin something I normally enjoy so much.

Bioware is by far my favorite video game company making my far-and-away favorite games.  But they have so much exposition in their richly detailed worlds and talking, talking, talking.  Usually, that's a good thing as far as I'm concerned, but with my damaged attention span, it's been hard to remain focused (without being able to take a hit of beer or a drag off a cigarette).  Last Friday, every time I entered a long, involved conversation or unlocked a new codex entry in my game, I would also fold the laundry I was doing or some other small mindless thing to keep myself from getting too twitchy. 

I have to believe that this will all get better over time if I keep up with my sobriety.  And yet it's no wonder to me that I'm drawn to cloistering myself and obsessing over a pointless activity because the things my character does actually impacts the things that happen to that character in a virtual world where s/he can actually make a difference.  There's just so much misery in the real world; I see it constantly everywhere I look.  So what does it matter if we're sober and self-actualized or drunken losers as we play out our hand in the stacked deck of life?