Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Constant Craving

Maybe a great magnet pulls
All souls towards truth
Or maybe it is life itself
That feeds wisdom to its youth
Constant craving
Has always been...
{k.d. lang, "Constant Craving"}

Well, I've managed to let myself get too tired again.  And so now I have an aching desire for recreational chemicals.  I really, really would like to get fucked up on some narcotics, just to melt into that (albeit artificial) happy place, just to remind myself that such a state-of-being exists.  Fortunately or unfortunately, I don't have a lot of options in that respect.  But tell that to the gnawing hunger deep in the pit of my stomach, the absolutely desperate need to have my pleasure centers stimulated.  Sobriety is so dead boring.  It's not the dramatic moment of flushing pills down the toilet at the end of the film, fade to black.  It's the days, the weeks, the months, the years after.

Eleventh Hour Update

As I left work I was hatching a scheme to get my hands on some narcotics.  I was going to go to a minor medical clinic and get a prescription for Lomotil , an anti-diarrheal drug.  It's an extremely mild opiate mixed with another drug to prevent abuse.  However, as part of my generally fucked up brain chemistry, I have a high tolerance for anticholinergics, so I can take a fistful of Lomotil for a mild buzz.

I ended up not putting my plan into action, even though it would have worked like a charm.  I didn't NOT do it because it was the best thing for my future or "the right thing to do."  I just didn't want to deal with the aftermath.  I would have been extremely depressed for at least the next couple of days.  And while I would have loved playing my video game while high—It would have been heaven!—I didn't want to deal with the fact that I wouldn't be able to play the game again while sober.  Keeping up with my sobriety meant busting my budget and my diet, however.  I was feeling so depressed I had to do something, so I bought a cheese calzone, a pint of Ben & Jerry's and the second season of "Modern Family."  I only have so much willpower to go around.

Funny...And the gay couple calls each other
"boyfriends," not "partners"!