Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Friday, June 29, 2012


I drank again last night, and so I am beating myself up about it today.  A long time ago, a therapist told me about "H.A.L.T.," that is, addicts should not let themselves get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.  I'm pretty much lonely all the time, in spite of my best efforts, and I don't know what the hell to do about that.  I'm also pretty pervasively angry.  (My psychological evaluation after one of my suicide attempts described me as "angry, hostile and slightly paranoid.")

So really, I can only work with hungry and tired.  Because I am so disgusted with my weight, I keep starting and stopping the Master Cleanse program.  But after a day or two, I realize I can't maintain that kind of deprivation and still be sober.  I'm trying to eat well, if moderately, so that I don't feel too hungry.  What got me yesterday, and the biggest factor in my relapses, is letting myself get too tired.  I do not do well with a lack of sleep, and it seriously affects my ability to function and cope.  The problem is that I'm a night owl, and if I'm up late but enjoying myself, I don't really want to stop and go to bed.  But my wake up time is fixed, so I get overtired while forcing myself through the work day.  I need more structure in my life and to focus more on my basic needs.