Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Monday, June 4, 2012

Suicide Watch

Even on a good day, I'm still basically an unhappy person.  I'm always struggling to keep my mood afloat, and the specter of anxiety is always lurking in the background, just waiting to pounce.

So when my situation is poor, my mood goes straight into the toilet.  I am unsatisfied with my current position, even as I am grateful to have a job in this economy.  But between my boss and the clients, it's a daily struggle just to show up, let alone accomplish anything.  So imagine how happy I was when I got an interview with FedEx, a great company I know I would enjoy working for.  Imagine how happy and hopeful I was when they called me in for a second interview.

Imagine how crushed I was last Thursday when they sent an e-mail telling me they had selected someone else for the position.  I had to take an early lunch so that I wouldn't break down at work.

This weekend I was so incredibly depressed that I could hardly move.  I basically spent Saturday and Sunday in bed, thinking about ways to kill myself.  I had no one to talk to about my feelings.  I had no recourse but to suffer alone.  And there is no meaning in such suffering.  I simply endure it with no wisdom or benefit, just the crippling injury it does to my psyche.

It's a distressing realization to have to face the fact that one is a loser.  That one's life will never amount to anything or be worth anything to others.  That one will simply endure suffering until injury or illness, infirmity and death.  It makes one resent hope as the bitterest pill.