Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Monday, June 11, 2012

Nothing better...

"Just wait 'til tomorrow!"
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart
{New Order, "Regret"}

After the hellishness of a couple of weekends ago, I'm definitely on a "the first day of the rest of your life" cusp.  Mind you, I did spend all of last weekend in bed as well, but I wasn't as desperately unhappy as I was after first finding out I didn't get my dream job.  I was just regular unhappy...Not passively suicidal, but not able to come up with any reason consciousness would be preferable.

On a more positive note, I realize that I have a higher "baseline" mood than I used to.  I don't have to buoy my affect quite as much, and I have more energy and motivation to take care of the little chores inherent in an independent life.  In Los Angeles I lived in filth and squalor like an animal, yet I've managed to keep up my new apartment here in Memphis up to a certain standard.  (Still have to work through the clutter, however.) 

Of course, my new and improved outlook is mostly pharmacological.  My psychiatrist has me taking three psychoactive medications, and they are working reasonably well.  One amazing improvement is that one of my medications makes me drowsy by the end of the day, and I no longer have to face the anxiety of insomnia.  It used to be a horrible ordeal that felt like dying every single night, and it was the impetus that led to my binge drinking years ago.

Holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
{The Cure, "Disintegration"}

Of course, any time I embark on a course to improve myself and my situation, I get slammed by a wall of psychological negativity.  I tell myself not to bother because no doubt some calamity or even death is just around the corner.  I ask myself what the point is when everything is pointless anyway.  I tell myself that I am just going to fail again.  (And none of this is helped by the fact that I've spent the last 26 years tryingand failingto live the life I've always wanted.) 

But where might I be now if I had overcome those feelings twenty years ago? Humans are cursed to know how it will all end, and yet it is the noblest aspect of our character that we move forward and endure.

Personal Roundup

Days Sober: 4
Weight: 256 pounds
Debt: $10,000