Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Saturday, October 13, 2012

35 Things I Learned From Watching Movies

"Reposting Week" continues. This bit on movie tropes and cliches is long but pretty hysterical.

I still have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute credit.

35 Things I Learned From Watching Movies
  1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
  2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits “555.”
  3. Most dogs are immortal.
  4. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade—aany time of the year.
  5. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
  6. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
  7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
  8. Dinosaurs only eat ugly or immoral people.
  9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.
  10. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
  11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
  12. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
  13. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.
  14. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
  15. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
  16. All single women have a cat.
  17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
  18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
  19. The Chief of Police is always black.
  20. Said Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective—or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
  21. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the exact fare.
  22. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
  23. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
  24. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people—whether they are employed or not.
  25. Kitchens don't have light switches.  When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
  26. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
  27. Word processors never display a cursor on-screen but will always say:  “Enter Password Now.”
  28. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
  29. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
  30. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
  31. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
  32. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
  33. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him.  Just relax and run a bath—even if it's the middle of the afternoon—then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.
  34. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
  35. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the future will have lost this technology.