Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Armageddon In a Day

Today my life once again has meaning.  A new video game that I've been anticipating comes out today, and I'll be first in line (after work) with my pre-order in hand.  I'm (partially) being facetious, but it actually bothers me how much I rely on video games for my sense of pleasure and purpose out of life.  Video games were instrumental in pulling me out of a severe depressive episode (a double depression) a couple of years ago.  The ability to simply care and be engaged about anything was such a relief that it really helped my mood recover.  Since then, video games have been sort of a cognitive emotional blanket, keeping me interested in life on at least some level.

Anyway, in order to keep up with posting on this blog and dedicating every free hour to indulging my video game fix at the same time, I have decided to present a "Reposting Week."  (In fact, this post has been pre-written and pre-scheduled to post automatically.)  I have recently scoured through old files, humorous bits, etc. that I have transferred from computer to computer for the past decade and a half and come up with a few stolen gems I can dust off.  Reposting may be bottom-feeding in the blogosphere, but it's also the mainstay of countless blogs a hell of a lot more popular than this one.  I have added my own flair and edits to these posts, but frankly now I just sound desperate.
Once again, I have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute any sort of credit.

Armageddon In a Day

The old timetable for the Apocalypse is so 2,000 years ago! Today's busy end-of-the-worlder just doesn't have the time or the attention span. Here's a streamlined schedule for the new millennium.
8:00 a.m.: The Rapture. Doors of Heaven open; Earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. George W. Bush briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02 a.m.: Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13 a.m.: The Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is, indeed, the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes, and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04 a.m.: Global economy collapsesexcept in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45 a.m.: All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40 a.m.: Abyss opens, releasing a foreboding cloud of black smoke and a plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32 a.m.: In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling."

11:47 a.m.: Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair." Moon becomes as blood.

12:00 noon: Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03 p.m.: Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11 p.m.: Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46 p.m.: Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18 p.m.: Middle east erupts in sectarian brotherhood and universal peace. Last holdouts of Armageddon-deniers finally admit we're doomed.

3:21 p.m.: Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56 p.m.: Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20 p.m.: Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts and famines.

6:12 p.m.: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16 p.m.: Taylor Swift dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27 p.m.: God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

10:00 p.m.: Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!

10:42 p.m.: The Biblical Lamb turns out to have Shari Lewis' head.

11:30 p.m.: God finally answers all the Big Questions (e.g., Is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).

12:00 midnight: Tied in the World Series, the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, the world blows up.