Pathetic

I've been struggling with my depression over the last few weeks, probably mostly due to grief.  There was a tiny (3.9) earthquake in Arkansas that rippled through Memphis early yesterday morning.  I didn't feel it, but heard about it later.  While it most likely means nothing, in my present state of mind, it has ramped up my anxieties.  I only work on the fourth floor at my new job, but I still have flashes of nervousness.  And for some reason my O.C.D. has decided to poke its head out today so that I'm afraid to touch public surfaces.  (Keep in mind that I still have to work my full-time job and face the consequences of poor performance while all of this is going on in the background.)

 

I am trying to improve my situation with positive behaviors.  I had a cognitive behaviorist therapist once tell me that if I change my behavior, my mood will follow suit.  (I can't say that that has actually been my experience, however.)  Nutrition and exercise are my buzzwords for success, but it's taken all of my effort to force myself to adhere to both, even for just two days.

 

Personal Roundup

Days Sober: 3
Weight: I haven't the strength

Debt: $5,900

Bailey R.I.P.

Last Monday I had to put my cat Bailey to sleep.  He was fifteen and a half years old, and I'd had him since he was a kitten.  He was also the first pet that was entirely mine.  His health had been slowly declining over the past year or so.  His kidneys were beginning to fail, and I found out that he had thyroid problems during his last check up several weeks ago.  The thyroid condition caused him to lose weight until he was literally skin and bones.  (Right before he died he weighed just over 5 pounds, where he weight 20 pounds or more in his prime.)

 

The Sunday before, he could barely walk, and he had stopped eating.  All he would do is lie down and whimper.  I took him to a great after-hours animal clinic.  (The first after-hours vet I've ever been to that didn't try to screw me over or play on my emotions to run up tests!)  They gave him a cortisone shot but told me that it wouldn't be long before his misery outweighed his quality of life.  The next morning he was even worse, and so I made the sad decision that it was time to let him go.  I called my regular vet and made an appointment for that morning, and my kindly mother volunteered to go along with me.  Everyone at my regular vet was incredibly kind and sensitive from the moment I walked in, especially the doctor.  He said Bailey's kidneys had all been shut down, and all he had left was misery.  I had planned to stay with Bailey while they put him to sleep, but the doctor convinced me not to.  He says he learned not to have that be his last memory with his own pets and has a colleague do it for him after saying his farewell.  I said goodbye to Bailey and gave him a kiss.  When I left, he was lying on a towel they put down for him, and the vet was about to give him a sedative before administering the euthanizing agent while the vet tech was gently stroking him.  Afterward, she told me that he passed quietly.

 

Goodbye, Buddy...

I cried when I took him to the vet, but I really broke down the next evening when I found myself fixing food for only one cat.  Bailey was a "naughty" cat, always getting into trouble and tearing things up.  But he was my much-loved little kitten, and I will miss him.

Silent Shame

Sometimes I am ashamed at being unhappy when I have lived—and continue to live—a life of such privilege and relative ease.  I don't wish to be unhappy, and I don't seek to be unhappy.  And I primarily pursue (with limited success) simple, light-hearted distractions and warm social interactions.  I also appreciate what I have and what fate has given me and strive to rely upon myself and not others.  But there is a certain self-absorption in misery.  I acknowledge that, yet I cannot simply deny the destructive tendencies, ennui, rage, terror and utter distaste for life that make up the core of my being.

If Wishes Were Fishes

I wish I just had the fucking balls to slit my throat from ear to ear and just. be. done. with it!  I started the day intending to go to the gym.  As it is, I'm going to pour 144 ounces of alcohol down my gullet and desperately chase oblivion.

10 Things I Learned From Watching Gay Porn

In my final entry for "Reposting Week," I am reposting something I wrote for one of my previous blog incarnations.  I'm not really a humorist, and this may be out of the sphere of experiences for most people.  But hopefully some will enjoy.

 

10 Things I Learned From Watching Gay Porn

1. Every man entering a public restroom is looking for gay sex.
2. Men routinely wear cock rings while doing day-to-day activities such as mowing the lawn.
3. ALL male police officers and military men are gay.
4. Naval ships are great big bathhouses on the ocean.
5. In fact, pretty much every guy is at least bi.
6. Conversation is like foreplay—completely unnecessary and usually poorly executed.
7. Gay sex is like a holiday party—the more, the merrier.
8. Prison can be fun.
9. Leather is like American Express—don't leave home without it.
10. Size DOES matter

35 Things I Learned From Watching Movies

"Reposting Week" continues. This bit on movie tropes and cliches is long but pretty hysterical.

I still have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute credit.

35 Things I Learned From Watching Movies

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
2. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits “555.”
3. Most dogs are immortal.
4. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade—aany time of the year.
5. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
6. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
7. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
8. Dinosaurs only eat ugly or immoral people.
9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off—even while scuba diving.
10. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
11. If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
12. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
13. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.
14. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
15. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
16. All single women have a cat.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. The Chief of Police is always black.
20. Said Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective—or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
21. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill—just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the exact fare.
22. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
23. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
24. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people—whether they are employed or not.
25. Kitchens don't have light switches.  When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
26. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
27. Word processors never display a cursor on-screen but will always say:  “Enter Password Now.”
28. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
29. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
30. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
31. If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
32. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
33. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him.  Just relax and run a bath—even if it's the middle of the afternoon—then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.
34. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
35. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the future will have lost this technology.

Little Johnny

"Reposting Week" continues.  In the vein of "Little Johnny" jokes, I give the visual humor below.  It's an oldy, but a goody.
 

I still have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute credit.

Little Johnny and the Class Drawing

It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called "add to the picture."  The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time.  The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following studen would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on James to start things off:

James returned to his seat, and the teacher called on Ernie next:

Ernie returned to his seat.  Now it was Suzy's turn:

Suzy returned to her seat.  Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board:

Jerry returned to his seat, and Kim was called to the board:

After Kim returned to her seat, the teacher noticed little Johnny waving his arm hysterically.  Little Johnny was known for being dirty-minded, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything.  But as the teacher looked at the drawing on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way little Johnny could possibly due to make this picture dirty.  So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard:

Little Johnny had done it again!

A Cosmo Quiz for Men

"Reposting Week" continues.  This is pretty sexist, so if you forgot to bring your sense of humor, you might want to give it a miss! I personally think it lambasts, not lauds, a chauvanistic mentality.

I still have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute credit.

 

A Cosmo Quiz for Men

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:

a) Lovemaking

b) Screwing

c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

 

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only afteryou've both shared:

a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship

b) Your blood-test results

c) Five tequila slammers

 

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) Your partner climaxes first

b) You both climax simultaneously

c) You don't miss SportsCenter

 

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) Healthy, creative love-play

b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to

c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

 

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) The best part of the experience

b) The second best part of the experience

c) $100 extra

 

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in thelast month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours

b) Not a problem - she can join your gym

c) A conservative estimate

 

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) A myth

b) An oxymoron

c) A moron

 

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) Appetiser is to entree

b) Priming is to painting

c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

 

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourselfsaying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."

b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."

c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

 

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope withthat sort of intimacy

b) Is uptight and a waste of time

c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

 

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to makesure you really are a man.  If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.  If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up.  Let's go drinking.

Heterosexual Questionnaire

"Reposting Week" continues.  This little tidbit is a turn-about on all the tired, worn out arguments and ignorances homophobes use to justify their position.

I still have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute credit.

Heterosexual Questionnaire

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

 

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

 

4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

 

5. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

 

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies?  How did they react?

7. Why do you heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they'd face?

 

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers and mentors?

11. With all the societal support straight marriages receive, the divorce rate is still spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you?

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective?  Don't you feel s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?

15. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural, healthy homosexual potential?

 

16. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals.  Techniques have been developed which might enable you to change if you really want to.  Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Armageddon In a Day

Today my life once again has meaning.  A new video game that I've been anticipating comes out today, and I'll be first in line (after work) with my pre-order in hand.  I'm (partially) being facetious, but it actually bothers me how much I rely on video games for my sense of pleasure and purpose out of life.  Video games were instrumental in pulling me out of a severe depressive episode (a double depression) a couple of years ago.  The ability to simply care and be engaged about anything was such a relief that it really helped my mood recover.  Since then, video games have been sort of a cognitive emotional blanket, keeping me interested in life on at least some level.

Anyway, in order to keep up with posting on this blog and dedicating every free hour to indulging my video game fix at the same time, I have decided to present a "Reposting Week."  (In fact, this post has been pre-written and pre-scheduled to post automatically.)  I have recently scoured through old files, humorous bits, etc. that I have transferred from computer to computer for the past decade and a half and come up with a few stolen gems I can dust off.  Reposting may be bottom-feeding in the blogosphere, but it's also the mainstay of countless blogs a hell of a lot more popular than this one.  I have added my own flair and edits to these posts, but frankly now I just sound desperate.

 

Once again, I have no idea where this selection came from or to whom to attribute any sort of credit.

Armageddon In a Day

The old timetable for the Apocalypse is so 2,000 years ago! Today's busy end-of-the-worlder just doesn't have the time or the attention span. Here's a streamlined schedule for the new millennium.

 

8:00 a.m.: The Rapture. Doors of Heaven open; Earth's righteous begin to rise to paradise. George W. Bush briefly hovers five inches above the floor, then collapses in a heap as a booming, disembodied voice cries, "Ha!"

8:02 a.m.: Coffee vanishes worldwide; everyone gets cranky.

8:13 a.m.: The Taco Bell Chihuahua calls a press conference to concede that he is, indeed, the Antichrist. Then he does that cute thing with his eyebrows and bulgy eyes, and people find him irresistible anyway.

9:04 a.m.: Global economy collapses—except in case of Dilbert products, which continue to sell briskly.

9:45 a.m.: All car alarms on earth go off simultaneously.

10:40 a.m.: Abyss opens, releasing a foreboding cloud of black smoke and a plague of disgusting flavored sports drinks. Oceans and lakes turn to blood.

11:32 a.m.: In emergency arbitration, Miller Lite is declared "less filling."

11:47 a.m.: Sun becomes black as "sackcloth of hair." Moon becomes as blood.

12:00 noon: Booming, disembodied voice says, "Return all seat backs and tray tables to their upright and locked positions."

12:03 p.m.: Arrival of forces of good is covered live on CNN, tipping evil off as to their location and ruining any chance of ambush.

1:11 p.m.: Beeping Tamagotchi pets begin demanding human flesh.

2:46 p.m.: Rampaging looters are surprised by the softer side of Sears.

3:18 p.m.: Middle east erupts in sectarian brotherhood and universal peace. Last holdouts of Armageddon-deniers finally admit we're doomed.

3:21 p.m.: Holographic doves on Visa cards emerge to peck out eyes of infants and elderly.

4:56 p.m.: Calls are no longer monitored to assure quality service.

5:20 p.m.: Jerry Seinfeld appreciates the odd little things about droughts and famines.

6:12 p.m.: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse break up when Pestilence starts dating Baby Spice.

7:16 p.m.: Taylor Swift dies quietly on the toilet.

9:27 p.m.: God takes Pat Robertson out behind woodshed and kicks his ass.

10:00 p.m.: Today's winning Lotto numbers are announced. Congrats, you won!!!

10:42 p.m.: The Biblical Lamb turns out to have Shari Lewis' head.

11:30 p.m.: God finally answers all the Big Questions (e.g., Is it ever OK to break up over the phone?).

12:00 midnight: Tied in the World Series, the Boston Red Sox and the Chicago Cubs meet in the seventh game, and with two out and the score tied in the bottom of the ninth, the world blows up.

Inauspicious Beginning

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned my new job and all the things going on with me during my first two weeks there.

 

I got the job through one of the two paralegal associations in Memphis.  It kills me that the greater Los Angeles area only has one paralegal association, but Memphis somehow needs two.  Personally I imagine some great doctrinal schism leading to a holy war but eventually détente as the two sides agree to part ways.  Anyway, I was glad to leave my old job and happy to move back to a defense firm.  Unfortunately, since the old paralegal had moved on to her new job, I didn't have any training or much in the way of guidelines as to exactly how or even what I was supposed to do.  It was all very stressful.

The Lump That Wasn't

After work on my second day of work, I decided to go to a minor medical clinic.  (No comment!)  While I was there, I figured I should ask about this pain in my left nipple that was very mild, but had been going on for several weeks.  I usually only noticed it in the shower as I was wahing my chest.  The doctor said she felt something underneath the skin and that I should follow up with my primary care physician as soon as possible.

On Thursday, I went to my doctor, and she said she felt something too and that I should go get some radiology done.  So I went and got a mammogram (Yes, men can need those, too!) and an ultrasound.  They found absolutely nothing and gave me a clean bill.  Unfortunately this little drama caused me to miss all but one hour during my fourth day at a new job.

Crown Me

During that first week I also had to get a crown put on a molar that had broken.  I couldn't put it off because the dentist told me that, if it started to decay, I could end up needing a root canal.  This meant that I had to go back the next week to get the permanent put in place of the temporary he gave me when he drilled.  During the inteval between the two appointments, one of my recent permanent crowns just came off while I was eating a Jolly Ranchers.  Luckily, the dentist was able to put it back on that second appointment, meaning I didn't have to take time off of work yet again to go back to the dentist for a third time.

Wrong Kind of Rear-Ender

On the Thursday of my second week at my new job, I rearended someone on the way into work.  Poplar Avenue, one of the major streets in Memphis that runs through the city, has this horrible merging ramp onto Union Avenue, another major road that runs from midtown to downtown.  Visibility for oncoming traffic is poor due to obstructions in your line of site, and you're pointed in almost the opposite direction of the traffic you have to merge into, forcing you to look behind you to see if it's clear.

The woman in front of me pulled ahead a little ways, and I thought she had merged onto Union Avenue.  I was looking behind me to check for oncoming cars when I pulled forward, and I rear-ended her.  The impact blew both my airbags, and my car was drivable but still deemed a total loss.  So I also had to deal with my insurance company, the repair shop and rental car company while just starting out at this new job.  The woman was nice about it, but I was horrified to see that she had four kids, including a toddler, in her vehicle.  The police came, and the officer gave me a ticket for failing to keep a safe lookout.

Getting Better

After a somewhat hellish month, the dust is finally starting to settle.  I'm getting more comfortable with my new position, and all my drama is finally getting resolved.  Hopefully I've used up all of my bad luck for awhile.

The Small Things

Unhappy.  The hope and goal of my life is not to be happy, just less unhappy.  Passion and principle never gave me anything but misery.  Of course, ennui and lethargic resignation haven't served me any better.  Decided to drink last night.  Didn't.  Went so far as to uncap a hard cider at the queer Catholics dinner tonight.  Walked away.  Wanted "just one" cigarette yesterday.  Didn't.  "Gasping for a fag" today.  Passed.  The small things...