Limping Along

Well, I managed not to drink last night, so one down, 360 plus infinity to go.  I actually told myself I would drink on Friday night, and frankly, that may still happen, even though I woke up this morning glad I hadn't given in.  My diet took a bit of hit last night, but I didn't do near the damage I'm capable of.  I was also pretty good about my budget.

Pleasure, Little Treasure

 

My crisis yesterday came from the whisperings of the demon-incubus of Pleasure.  Depression, in general (and my withdrawal-induced depression, in specific) makes me lose interest in things that I might normally enjoy.  I began to feel as if I'd "never be cheerful again," and so then I started to panic, desperate for anything pleasurable to fill my evening after work. 

Since I couldn't muster any enthusiasm for any of the myriad of activities I'm lucky enough to have the time and resources to enjoy, my thoughts automatically turned once again to the drinking-smoking-video games triad as my only available source of pleasure.  However, as I said the other day, I need to retrain my thinking to stop chasing pleasure and fill my time with practical activities that will elevate my life into a more-fulfilling mode of existence.

Sooo...Sleepy...!!!

Seeing as how I consider myself to be out of time, as part as my effort to do EVERYTHING RIGHT, I went to bed at a decent time last night.  Unfortunately, I'm only four days into my sobriety, so I'm still feeling the physical effects of alcohol withdrawal.  (In fact, being tired and unable to cope is one of the strongest factors in feeding the cycle of continued drinking.)  I was so zonked this morning that I incorporated the sound of my alarm clock into my dream.  I was yelling at someone to stop the noise and ripping batteries out of a device I thought was making it.

 

The video below shows just how I've been feeling at work this week.

 

 

11th Hour Emergency

 

I don't know if I can do it.  I don't know if I can stay sober in the context of my life right now.  I'm so tired and feel so low.  Perhaps I've just been fooling myself over the past 30 years.  Perhaps it's truly time to let all hope die...

My 90-Day Transformation

"I am simply out of time."

 

This is my new mantra.  I have wasted years in ethylated stasis, and I can't keep turning on the thread of maladaptive behavior and expect my life to change (although I do play the lottery, so...).  I am going on a family trip for my parents' 50th wedding anniversary in August in exactly 90 days, and it would really mean a lot for me to be in shape for it.  I'd like to be able to wear a bathing suit and go swimming, which I've always loved.

 

And so I present my three W's:

 

1. Weight

I don't know how much success I can expect.  I doubt I have enough time to achieve my previously-identified goal (which was supposed to happen last summer!).  But if nothing else, I can be significantly less fat by then.  I'm not doing anything crazy or any fad diets as I've done before.  I'm just trying to be sensible by "eat[ing] less and tak[ing] a bit of exercise" through cardio mixed with light strength training.  I do obsess about loose skin, but there isn't a lot I can do about it at this point.  It's not as if I don't have other reasons to lose weight besides vanity.

Right now, my physical stats are weight (254#), waist (52"), chest (50") and biceps (13") with a BMI of 35.4 (making me definitively "obese").

 

2. Wealth

This is actually intimately connected to my weight and especially my sobriety.  If I'm following my diet, then I'm following my budget where it comes to food.  And if I'm following my "diet" (as my dad calls it), I'm not spending $50 a day on beer and cigarettes and movies and binge eating.  I'm not really sure how much I can actually pay down in 90 days.  I'm more concerned with not losing ground.  Even if my debt stays the same, as long as it doesn't increase, I'll call it a win.

Right now, my outstanding debt is $16,367.47 (not including the money I owe on my car payments).

 

3. Writing

This is a more ambiguous goal, but the most important thing to me in my life.  My goal for 90 days is to have all of my writing notes, boxes of ideas I've been scribbling down for 30 years organized and scanned onto my computer.  I want to have started back seriously writing the young adult fantasy adventure that has the most promise and commercial potential.

 

Feeding the Cycle

 

Back when I was sexually active, I used to hook up with random guys and then obsess about HIV for months, even though I've always practiced safer sex.  (To someone with O.C.D., a 1% chance—or even less—might as well be 100% by our way of thinking.)  One of my earliest therapists believed I got some kind of psychological reward out of the whole deal, because otherwise why would I keep doing it?  I think she's was right.  I think a part of me was seeking the sense of renewal and rebirth I felt when I got back a negative HIV test...as if everything in life was full of hope and potential.

I think I've fallen into a similar pattern with my drinking.  I can't deny the sanguine feeling I get when I clear out all my empty beer bottles by taking them to recycling and throw out my makeshift ashtray and leftover cigarettes and clean the area around my computer workstation of any trace of my last bender(s).

I need to stop chasing these false and counterproductive good feelings.  I need to retrain my thinking to stop chasing transient pleasure, even though my need for it is as intense as the "jonesing" for a drug, and to focus my personal time on furthering my personal goals.  I should be asking myself "Is this getting me closer to my dreams?" rather than "Am I happy?"  This doesn't just include the drinking...it encompasses the budget-killing eating out every night because I need a little pick me up...and the doubly budget-killing chair massages after work for sensual (though non-sexual) enjoyment...and paying for movies and TV shows because I only want what I can't have when I have a thousand free movies and TV shows available for instant gratification...and all the other things I spend money on for no good reason.

You won't have to read very far back in this blog to see that my past behavior patterns don't bode well for anything other than a crash and burn of yet another "grand plan."  But there is nothing better for me to do.  Please wish me luck...

Bad Choices

Seeing as how I had a mind to devote an entire website to my poor decision making, it's not hard to fathom that I'm a prisoner of making bad choices now.  It's not even noon yet, and I'm already thinking about drinking again tonight...like I did last night...like I did the night before.  I've got a new video game installed and ready to play.  Is it a good idea?  No.  Will it give me even a modicum of pleasure that I crave so?  Perhaps.  I've realized that, even when I'm staying sober, I've been chasing pleasure like an addict, whether it's with food or entertainment or anything else—regardless of the cost—that I think will keep the sadness and fear at bay.

You Can Only Control Your Behavior

You have to change your behavior to change your life.  I have to move my thinking and my behavior away from the folly of chasing transient pleasure.  And yet I feel so lost and adrift in the endless ocean of my mood, barely keeping my head above water, that I have trouble in differentiating between good and bad choices against the perspective of an infinite horizon in all directions with no solid ground to anchor myself to.

...and when
I finally let my guard down
I was in the middle of the sea and drowning, drowning, drowning
{Lower Dens, "Brains"}

So Hard

I have been feeling so bad lately that I can just hardly stand it.  I can barely put one foot in front of the other, and yet I have to keep showing up at work and keep producing results and keep it all together.  I want to tell everyone I have ever met to go fuck themselves and run off somewhere, never to be seen again.

 

The problem with being so messed up is that I can't even be sure why things are so bad.  It could be that I'm withdrawing from my recent drinking last week.  Or it could be that I've entered another double depression.  Or it could be I'm fighting off a mild cold that has run me down.  Or it could be that my sleep is disturbed because it's been so hot in my apartment.  Or it could be an endless list of other physical and/or psychological stressors.

 

When I'm feeling better, I beat myself up over all the wasted time in my life, and yet I've had to spend so much of my time keeping my mood and psyche from bursting at the seams when all I want to do is scream!

The Struggle Continues...

I thought hard about killing myself last night.  So much wasted time.  So much wasted potential.  And nothing to show for it but an endless bitter struggle.  I'm not actually going to harm myself, and I pose no danger to myself (or others).  I think the psychological term is "passively suicidal."

 

It's pointless to judge life in terms of accomplishments, anyway.  Time pulls the rug from under the "losers" and the "winners" equally.  Appreciating what you can now and pointing your nose in a better direction are the only sensible actions and the only sensible perspective on existence.

 

You're on a one-way ride

Down a dead-end street

You better realize

Never walk on by

{The Psychedelic Furs, "No Release"}

 

Personal Roundup

 

I drank Monday night, and then, after drinking Wednesday night, I spent the next 36 hours in bed.  I called in sick, of course, and viewed it as my own private detox before recommitting to sobriety.  Of course, that didn't stop me from almost drinking last night.  Fortunately, I managed to resist the urge and even did a load of laundry so I had some clean underwear.  Unfortunately, past victories are no indication of future success.

Prisoner of the Cycle

Ditto.

"Just wait 'til tomorrow!"
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart...
{New Order, "Regret"}

One Foot In Front of the Other

My failure at sobriety necessarily makes me an emotional basket case due to alcohol withdrawal, which in turn makes me want to use just to avoid having to deal with it.  I last drink two days ago on Friday evening.  I've let my desk at work get out of hand, which causes me further stress.

It's impossible to make up for wasted time and wasted opportunity.  To me, my life is one failure after another, which explains why I have no faith in turning things around.  However, all I can do is do what I can do right now.  Today that means coming into the office to organize my work.  Tomorrow it means sticking to my diet and budget.  Hopefully I'll have the strength to keep a calm face while the storm rages inside my head and to move one step at a time through the days of this week.

Failed Again

Well, I failed once again and drank last night.  I felt so run down yesterday that I couldn't resist the temptation to steal a few hours of contentment.  Psychologically, I'm like a sprinter: able to manage short bursts of self-improvement and positive change but useless for the long haul.  How do I become a marathoner able to keep focused on my distant goal?

About three beers in I started to feel nauseated, and I'd had a mild headache all day.  My symptoms became so bad that I stopped my drinking and smoking.  I'm guessing a touch of cold or flu is what was making me so run down and feeling so bad.  (My mood doesn't handle being ill well at all.)  Regardless of this understanding and regardless of physical illness, I'll probably end up drinking again tonight since I have beer and cigarettes at home.  I wish I had a fraction of self-discipline and self-control that everyone else seems able to exert over their own behavior.  Am I doomed to dream large and yet fail at every turn?

Ever tried.  Ever failed.  No matter.  Try again.  Fail Again. 
Fail better.

{Samuel Beckett}

Snow Day

Yesterday the streets of Memphis were covered in ice due to cold temperatures and winter precipitation.  As such, I had a nice "snow day" home from work for the first time in at least a couple of decades.  (Ten years in Los Angeles = no snow days!)  My first inclination was to play video games all day.  However, instead I cleaned my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen and the downstairs bathroom and even put a dent in the boxes upon boxes of clutter that weigh me down like an albatross around my neck.  It was exhausting, and I had a period of intense desire to drink and smoke and play the aforementioned video game.  But I resisted, and I think my sobriety and self-improvement will be the better for a tidier environment.

Personal Roundup

I've still been feeling vaguely anxious for no particular reason on a consistent basis, and I'm hoping it's just the residual effects of alcohol withdrawal.  On the plus side, I've managed to get myself to the gym the past several days.

Days sober: 12

Weight: 257 pounds

Debt: A shitload and then some