Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

So Hard

I have been feeling so bad lately that I can just hardly stand it.  I can barely put one foot in front of the other, and yet I have to keep showing up at work and keep producing results and keep it all together.  I want to tell everyone I have ever met to go fuck themselves and run off somewhere, never to be seen again.
The problem with being so messed up is that I can't even be sure why things are so bad.  It could be that I'm withdrawing from my recent drinking last week.  Or it could be that I've entered another double depression.  Or it could be I'm fighting off a mild cold that has run me down.  Or it could be that my sleep is disturbed because it's been so hot in my apartment.  Or it could be an endless list of other physical and/or psychological stressors.
When I'm feeling better, I beat myself up over all the wasted time in my life, and yet I've had to spend so much of my time keeping my mood and psyche from bursting at the seams when all I want to do is scream!