Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Friday, May 9, 2014

Bad Choices

Seeing as how I had a mind to devote an entire website to my poor decision making, it's not hard to fathom that I'm a prisoner of making bad choices now.  It's not even noon yet, and I'm already thinking about drinking again I did last I did the night before.  I've got a new video game installed and ready to play.  Is it a good idea?  No.  Will it give me even a modicum of pleasure that I crave so?  Perhaps.  I've realized that, even when I'm staying sober, I've been chasing pleasure like an addict, whether it's with food or entertainment or anything else—regardless of the cost—that I think will keep the sadness and fear at bay.

You Can Only Control Your Behavior

You have to change your behavior to change your life.  I have to move my thinking and my behavior away from the folly of chasing transient pleasure.  And yet I feel so lost and adrift in the endless ocean of my mood, barely keeping my head above water, that I have trouble in differentiating between good and bad choices against the perspective of an infinite horizon in all directions with no solid ground to anchor myself to.

...and when
I finally let my guard down

I was in the middle of the sea and drowning, drowning, drowning
{Lower Dens, "Brains"}