Seeking joy and meaning in a joyless mind and meaningless existence

Thursday, May 22, 2014

What Might Have Been

As I was driving into work the other day, I saw a man I went to high school with and on whom I had a terrible crush from the day I met him through all four years of closeted turmoil.  He is still looking handsome, and I recalled being drawn to his sardonic personality.  And I wistfully wondered how my life might have been had I hooked up with my "high school sweetheart" and was perhaps even still with him today.

This bridge was written to make you feel smitten
And with my sad picture of girl getting bitterer
Oh, can you extract me from my plastic fantasy?
I didn't think so, but I'm still convincible
{The Dresden Dolls, "Coin-Operated Boy"}
Except, of course, that he's straight and never once gave me any indication otherwise.  And he also never found me interesting enough in all the time we were at school together to even pursue me as a friend.  This is exactly what's wrong with how I've lived my life.  I've wasted so much time, so much energy, with pipe dreams I knew would never pan out.  Instead of opening myself to the possibilities that were actually in front of me, I opted to tilt at windmills.  I've missed so much mooning over the impossible, certain my mawkish faith would eventually be rewarded.
Linda thought her life was empty,
Filled it up with alcohol.
{The Nails, "88 Lines About 44 Women"}
While I've stripped away most of my juvenile man-fantasies over the years, I filled up that space with just...nothing.  And alcohol soon moved in as a distraction as I despaired at ever constructing a fulfilling life for myself.  Yet, I've still been living in fantasy:  about how my real life will start...when I get sober...when I get stable...when I win the lottery...when I become a completely different person than I am now.  Fantasy has sustained me for so long until it has become an integral part of my being.  Right now, today...Am I taking practical steps to pursue my dreams?  Or am I still chasing delusion to mask the void?